I remember the first time I saw this ad for Nike. I was 40, and it described just exactly how I felt at that time…strong, fearless, competitive, my whole life in front of me. And loving every minute of it.
Now I am 70, and yet my brain thinks I am 40….that I can do anything I set my mind to, that I am physically capable of everything. Okay Life, bring it on....there is so much living to do.
February 2016, New Zealand
That is what prompted Sandy to give me a call yesterday. It had only been about 12 weeks since Shell’s death, so she had so much more on her mind than the notes from us. But it reminded me of the importance of writing a truly personal sympathy note.
Sympathy notes are hard to write, so we agonize over what to say. Do you say “passed”, or “left us” or use the actual word “death?” You don’t want to say “I know how you feel,” because, in their mind, you really don’t know. As I was googling “sympathy notes,” I discovered that, like everything else, there is a long list of appropriate phrases, for those of us having trouble writing the note.
Seeing them there on the screen, dozens of phrases, I cringed. I had used so many of them myself:
The sentiments are real, the person writing is doing it because they DO care, it is just awkward and difficult to know what to say.
The notes that my husband and I wrote to Sandy, these were spontaneous. They both had meant a great deal to us, we had so many experiences together, and they were extraordinarily generous people. So what we wrote came from our hearts, and they were actually easy to write. My husband is always so thoughtful when writing a sympathy note, and he ties it explicitly to actual experiences. More than that, he expresses the sentiment beautifully:
Dear Sandy,
I can’t tell you how truly sorry I was to hear of Shell’s death. I will never forget the many courtesies he, and you, extended to us on our move to Southern California in 1987, and in the years thereafter, introducing us around, greeting us with smiles at all of the “must go to” events, and always being there when friendship was needed.
He was our Mr. LA, our “Knows Everybody” Guy, and wonderful friend.
I know we will all miss him. My condolences to your and your family,
In the Winter household, Shell Ausman will never be forgotten.
Best regards,
Joe
After hearing how much our letters meant to our dear friend, having lost her best friend and husband, I am promising myself to take the time, especially since we are at an age where we are writing more of these, to really focus on the things we remember about this person who was a part of our life. Just as I reread very personal and lovely notes from my husband, this will give so much more lasting comfort than flowers or food, even though those are important, too.
There is a beautiful project currently raising on Kickstarter: The Family Cancer Book Project. In it, photographer Nancy Borowick captures incredibly touching and poignant moments as both of her parents deal with Stage 4 cancer. Two quotes from the video really stood out to me:
I photographed them in treatment only to realize that it wasn’t a story about illness at all, it was about family, and love, and support, and getting through this.
I read once that death was as inevitable as the sunset, so why don’t we talk about it more. Maybe the more we can talk about family and dying and death, not in a morbid way, but in a constructive way, perhaps the more we can appreciate what we have and live better lives.
Great to see this project will be brought to life!
We all know that within a marriage, over the years you comfortably settle into a division of “jobs,” depending on expertise, or maybe just what you dislike the least. Guys aren’t made to take out the trash, but, hey, it’s an easy job compared to washing the dishes after dinner. This cuts down on the annoyance factor, and greatly reduces the “It’s your turn” debates.
We get comfortable with this arrangement, and don’t even really think about it. It just happens, and it works. Until it doesn’t. When one of you is temporarily or permanently “out of commission,” what happens when that person is the one who pays the bills, transfers funds to the checking account, and makes sure doctor’s appointments are made? There are some things you absolutely need to share with each other, to keep the wheels on in such an event.
My own division-of-labor looks something like this: Every time I would have an appointment with our investment manager, my husband would beg to be let off having to sit through those meetings. He didn’t know what we had, and didn’t want to have to learn. Same with reviewing and signing tax returns, paying the bills electronically. At the same time, he has to stock the fridge whenever he goes out of town, or I end up eating Cheetos and guacamole for dinner.
What happens if I can’t pay the bills and manage the money? He doesn’t even know any of my passwords, except to make my airline reservations (his job). So now we’ve talked and have a back-up plan.
Even more serious? When one spouse handles all the money and important documents and the other has no clue how much or where anything is? That is a nightmare for the surviving spouse to piece together.
Even worse, what if the one with the hand on the money began to stray and play, and ultimately thought he might leave (usually a “he,” but not always). This creates a big incentive not to share all of the information with the other. Maybe not reveal certain accounts that are held in one name, not two, with likely no mail coming to the home from a firm you don’t recognize.
This actually happened to a friend of mine. I was talking to a group of friends on this topic of “Being a Partner,” and showed them the easiest way to know where every account or asset was, and gave them a workbook. Likely most of those went into the “too hard to deal with right now” pile, but one friend actually decided she needed to be equally knowledgeable about their finances and assets. She spent months completing the information, as her husband was slow to give her all the information, because he was buried in work, etc. But she persisted.
And guess what? She discovered six months later that he was in a long-term affair, and that led to a divorce. She was sick about it, but one thing that made it more bearable was that she knew what and where every asset was, so she would not be a further victim.
This is a worst-case scenario, and not likely to happen to most of us. But one thing that is likely, as we get older, is that one partner will be hospitalized for some period of time, and the other one will have to manage while the other is not able.
Learn how to pay the bills, where the assets are, and who to call if you need to bolster the cash in your checking account. Read your estate plan documents, and read your investment reports and tax returns before signing. It is the responsible thing to do, and it is also the smart thing to do.
This was my response to my mother, who had recently been diagnosed with a rare disease after a long period of being in and out of the hospital. She wanted to have me walk around the house with her, and show me what outfit she wanted to be buried in, who should get her beloved silver service, and many other things that I was not prepared to even hear. I was just 22, and at that age, no one wants to consider that they might lose a parent in the near future.
If you are in your 60s or older, you should be making plans about a great many decisions for when that time comes. And there is a time to discuss this with your adult children, although how much information you give them depends somewhat on their age and maturity.
For children in their 20s, I think it is just enough to let them know you are fine, but you have made plans for your burial arrangements when that time comes, and tell them where the file is.
By the time your children get into their 30s and 40s, they likely have a family of their own, but might wonder, depending on your health, if you have made plans. By this age, they are ready to discuss this subject in a factual way, and you can tell them more about those plans. For example, if you plan to be cremated, let them know why you made that choice. This is a good way to find out if they have concerns about your choices. You don’t have to change what your wishes are, but at least you know that more talking-it-over time might be a good thing.
When they reach 50 and beyond, they are usually very aware of the fragility of life, and have likely lost the parents of friends that were close, or perhaps colleagues from work. They may even be wondering what your plans are. By this time, if not before, it makes sense to have a longer conversation. It is a good idea if you can do this with all of your children present, so they all hear the same thing.
You should talk with them about your medical directives and health power of attorney, and who is named in that capacity. Explain to them what you want in terms of a service and a celebration of your life, that you have written out what you want, and have also made arrangements about burial and/or cremation. This should lead to questions, and will bring out concerns they may have.
Depending on how ready you and they are for this, it is also a good idea to at least give them some indication of what happens financially when you die. When I say some, I mean giving a broad brush of those plans, such as “we plan to leave an equal amount to each of our children, and we have certain bequests we want made.” If the plans include treating heirs in an unequal manner, I believe it is better to get problems out on the table before you die, while there is time to reconcile everyone to what your plans are and why you made them.
In the end, the best time is when you sense they are ready to begin to know more.
I saw this on Kickstarter yesterday – the Bios Incube, which describes itself as “the world’s first incubator for the afterlife.” Essentially it’s a way to grow a tree from a loved ones ashes, transforming the end of life into a return to life through nature.
At first I was a little uncomfortable. Would I really want this at my house? And knowing that I have the opposite of a green thumb, what happens when I inevitably kill the plant? What kind of emotions would that stir up? (In college, I proudly kept a tiny succulent plant alive for a whole year, only to discover that my friend had managed to grow hers to 10x the original size…it was supposed to grow?!?)
But on the other hand, it’s certainly an idea worth considering, especially if you have a place to ultimately put it into the ground, a place where you and others can view it. I also appreciate the overall goal of making the end of life more meaningful, sustainable, and even more affordable than traditional burial and cremation options.
Very interested to see if this gets funded and how people respond to it. What do you think about it, too weird or kind of cool?
It can be very hard to know what to say to someone going through the loss of a loved one. I know I’ve always struggled with it.
Leslie Horn has a written great post about How to Talk to a Grieving Person. The whole thing is worth a read, but here are some key takeaways:
Keep it Simple: “You can start out by saying, ‘I am here for you, however you need,” says Shreya Mandal, a therapist who specializes in grief and lost her own father three years ago. “It should be as simple as that. You don’t have to come up with something flowery.”
Be Honest: “I remember this woman coming up to our cousin Ester at our Uncle Paul’s shiva, six weeks earlier, a few days before my dad’s diagnosis,” says my friend Jeff, who lost his father six years ago. “This woman said, ‘This sucks. Sorry, someone had to say it.’ And it was really refreshing!”
Forget The Clichés: “Forget everything you think you’re supposed to say. My father was religious, and while I could appreciate the intent behind something like, ‘I’m praying for you,’ it didn’t really have the desired effect. Speak from the heart.”
Don’t Walk on Eggshells: “I loved that my closest friends…didn’t walk on eggshells around me like so many people did, which just made me feel worse. My friends provided me with a sense of normalcy among all the jarring changes that came with such a loss.”
Tell Stories: “I loved hearing other people tell stories about Mama, and still do to this day,” Windsar told me. “Hearing about how much she loved her family or how good of a friend she was, or hearing a story about something quirky she did that was just ‘so Darla’ comforted me and often made me laugh—something I truly felt I might never be able to do again.”
Be Present: “Make yourself available. Check in often. Make plans with that person. I’ve always been a planner, but after my dad died, that part of me took a hiatus. I had a friend who recognized that very quickly, and began purposefully and dutifully taking the lead in making plans with me. I saw that, and it helped me keep going.”
Know That There’s No Timeline: “There’s no such thing as a time when everything should be okay, no script, no right or wrong way to grieve. I haven’t been able to delete my dad’s phone number from my favorites; I also saved a pair of his leather loafers. One day I’ll delete the number and give the loafers to Goodwill. But I’m not ready to let those things go yet. It’s a process.”
If Nothing Else, Just Say You’re Sorry: “It means more than you know.”
You can check out the whole post here, it’s beautifully written and the comments section also has a lot of great stories and advice.
As I was cleaning out files this past weekend, I came across a letter from my Aunt Betty, my Father’s sister. Dad and Aunt Betty had a very special close relationship. Not in the way of hugging and outward expressions of love; that was not the way proper people were raised in the teens and twenties of the last century.
But they wrote letters to each other regularly, relating what was going on in the lives of their children, old friends recently seen, and other news of their day-to-day lives. They were very much like the letters their mother wrote, and likely similar to so many others of that era…very newsy and full of information.
This particular letter was to thank me for a photo album I had put together of a family reunion. She loved it, and the memories of this “special group” and how lucky she felt to be among us all.
She then went on to write:
“I wonder if you have thought about writing an obituary for your Dad. He read me the one for Bob Wigton (a older relative who had recently passed) and it was such a testimonial to a good life.
Death of a loved one is a shock and we didn’t do a very good obit for my Bob – too hurried and too stunned. Your Dad has done so many fine things, supported so many good causes it would be a fine legacy for his grandchildren if you all could remember them. Not morbid, just proud of my brother.”
I did go on to write an obituary for my Dad, while he was still mentally alert and when I showed it to him with some trepidation to get this thoughts, I had to laugh. Rather than being offended at my “jumping the gun”, he got out a pen and began editing my version!
We all have done incredible things in our lives, some small, some big, but impactful on others. You deserve to have that acknowledged, and your children and grandchildren (even those unborn as yet…especially those unborn!) like knowing all about your life. They know less about you than your kids, and your kids’ memories are not as strong as your own.
So don’t be afraid to jot down some notes now--about yourself, a spouse, or a parent--before you really need it.
Neither is something one wants to really think about. You don’t sit around with friends debating the pros and cons of each…or do you? It depends on your age, and thus your perspective.
When you get to be 70, or when you become gravely ill, it suddenly is something you have to think about.
So how does one choose? It depends on your wishes, your ability to pay, possibly your religious beliefs, maybe your family’s desires. But there is another way to go about looking at both: the financial costs of each choice.
First, do you want a funeral set in a funeral home, with a traditional casket, perhaps a visitation period, and finally a burial in a cemetery?
A Complete Funeral and Burial
According to Parting.com, the current cost for a funeral service and burial average:
• Casket – $2,300
• Funeral director’s basic services fee – $1,500
• Embalming and body preparation – $600
• Funeral ceremony and viewing – $1,000
• Miscellaneous (hearse, death certificates, obituary, etc.) – $600
• Grave space - $1000
• Open/close fee - $1000
• Headstone - $2000
• Grave Marker - $1000
The above exceeds $10,000, which is a lot of money. The advantages of having a funeral home take care of everything is that it frees the family from what amounts to a lot of work to focus on each other in this time of mourning, and on planning the service, etc.
Cremation
If you still want to use a funeral home, but need to bring the cost down, you can consider cremation. This brings the cost down somewhat, but you are still paying for the director’s services, use of the funeral home, miscellaneous costs. And if the ashes are to be buried in a gravesite, those costs above remain, so the total tab is still going to be well over $6000.
A cheaper alternative is to donate your body to a local anatomical society, for use in training of doctors. They will pick up the body at no cost, order death certificates for the family, and return the ashes to the family after a year or more, when the body is no longer “teaching”. This costs nothing: $0.00. If you choose this alternative, you then have to think about what to do with the ashes. If you choose burial, then you will have the cost of the gravesite, open/close fee, headstone or grave marker: all of which adds up to $3000 or more. To find an anatomical society near you, go to http://anatbd.acb.med.ufl.edu/usprograms/.
The least expensive way is to scatter the ashes in a place or places that have meaning to you: where you and your spouse met, where you always vacationed, a favorite place in nature. There are endless choices. I remember a particularly beautiful service on a beach for a friend who served as a fighter pilot in Vietnam. His friends and sons swam out in the ocean, and scattered the ashes as the lone man formation flew over. It was very moving.
Each of the above choices can make for a beautiful and memorable celebration of a life well lived. The choice comes down to what matters to you, and what you can afford
Planning for the end of life can be very liberating and uplifting, because it frees one from worry, and you know you are doing your family and friends the favor of taking care of you and remembering you the way you want.
This message comes across clearly in a newly released beautiful photo journal book by my smart and lovely friend Rita Foley: SHOW UP FOR LIFE EACH DAY…Living with Cancer
Here is an excerpt from her book on the benefits of planning:
“It is hard to think of one’s death, but planning for it is liberating. I’ve heard stories of children arguing over who among them was going to give the eulogy or a particular reading. The last thing one wants is to have his or her children falling away from one another after the parent is gone. Planning can mitigate that.
Get your house in order. By all means, make sure you have a will, a Healthcare Proxy, and any specific directives.
Planning is part of our everyday life in both work and in our personal affairs. Many of us are used to doing contingency planning in work. Do the same with end-of-life planning. I put my objective, get-it-done, doer hat on when I planned for my end of life. When using the logical side of my brain, my emotional side is put to rest. I find it easy to talk about this stage to others when I can access that analytical side of me.
In the past year, I updated my will, completed my Healthcare Proxy, Power of Attorney, and end-or-life directives. I have made my application to the only hospital in my area that will come and take my body for medical research immediately. No waiting for the police to certify the death. My ashes will be returned to my family a year later. I have specified where I would like my ashes to be spread—in special woods and areas where I will continue to be part of nature and of this earth.
No mourning when I go. I want a party—a big one. I have led a very full and wonderful life. So I have picked out where I want my memorial celebration to take place. I have a list of desired speakers from each stage of my life. I expect them to be funny and take the mickey out of me (a lovely old Irish phrase we used growing up, meaning make fun of). I have requested that a particular jazz choir sing at the service, and I also want salsa and uplifting dance music to be played. I love to dance.
With good planning, my load is lessened and I will be dancing out of the current life.
But not yet!”
Email rvfhome@aol.com if you are interested in ordering a copy of this wonderful book.
Have you started making your plans?