Going the Distance

The Distance is one of my favorite podcasts these days. Each 15-minute show features a business that has been around at least 25 years, because as exciting as new things are, there’s a lot to be learned from businesses that make it work for the long haul.

A recent episode featured The Peter Troost Monument Company, which has been making grave markers, headstones and mausoleums in the Chicago area since 1889.

In it, fifth-generation president Lisa Troost talks about how many people think her business would be very depressing, when in reality she sees it the opposite way: she’s helping people work through how to best remember and honor their loved ones. The most common emotion she sees among her customers? Relief.

This resonated a lot with me, and what we’re trying to help people with at Gracious Exit. Because thinking through how you want to be remembered doesn’t have to be depressing; on the contrary it can be a huge weight off your shoulders, and even an uplifting experience.

As Lisa says at the start of the episode, commenting on an interesting epitaph: “That sounds like it would have been a neat person to know.”

You can check out the episode here:
https://soundcloud.com/the-distance-podcast/15-grave-matters

How does Gracious Exit help with end of life planning?

Planning for the end of life is a process, not a one and done event. There are multiple areas that need to be thought out, perhaps discussed with a spouse, friend or relative, and documented.  

Unless it is imminent, it is easier to prepare for a time when you may not be able to care for yourself. I recently read that 75% of folks over sixty-five are likely to need hospital or nursing home help for some period of time, perhaps a stay at a nursing facility to heal from a fall and/or surgery. Some subset of that group will need a longer-term solution if they can no longer live at home.

A big concern for adults with aging parents is who will step in to pay bills, take care of the house, and deal with investments if a parent is not able to do this any longer. Over half of those over eighty will have some loss of cognitive ability, and some will lose all ability to care for themselves.

That is why every adult over the age of 60 needs to clearly spell out the details of four areas in their life, for use by themselves while still very much in charge of their own lives, and for use by others when they need someone else to step in on their behalf:

1.    A list of all advisors and financial institutions you deal with; what you have with that bank, advisor or other entity; who is the primary contact person, and their phone number; and where the documents are. This is not about sharing how you plan to distribute your assets when you die, but who to contact about an issue pertaining to that institution. This is your list. That could mean contacting your broker to set up a higher monthly transfer to your checking account, or the number of your estate planning attorney when you want to make an amendment to your trust, now that you have another grandchild.

2.    Details of all your medical records, including all of your doctors, what their specialty is, when you last saw them, and their contact information; it should also include a list and dates of all procedures and immunizations, notes on when you are next due for one of these, and any other medical issues, and the name, dosage and frequency of every medication you take(if it is a generic, state the brand name as well, for clarity). I take this list with me every time I see a doctor, then, instead of filling out a long form of all previous issues and problems, I just write: see attached medical summary. 

3.    A complete listing of all services you utilize in the care and upkeep of your home. This would include your housekeeper, gardener, electrician, plumber, handyman, your garage and electronic gate, the pool service, and many others. You will be surprised once you start this, how many different people come to your home, even those that are infrequent, to deal with all types of problems, including just wanting to redo a bedroom.  Then you also need the painter, the wallpaper guy, the person who will put in new shades, the cabinetmaker or contractor, etc. You see, there is always something needing attention and someone who will do it.

4.    The final list is what your wishes are on your death. This takes a lot of thought, since most of us have not given it any up to this point. The reason this is so important is that every person deserves to have their life celebrated by those they love and touched in so many positive ways. But only you know what all those accomplishments are for which you are deservedly proud. What might those wishes encompass:

a.    You need to decide whether you want to be buried or cremated, where you will be buried (or have your ashes scattered), what kind of service you want, where, and who will officiate and who will speak about you to remember collectively all that made you so special.

b.    Do you want a reception after the service? Are there pictures you want to show of you from your childhood through your life, with family and friends, or doing things you loved in life?

These and other questions require time for you to arrive at what truly would make you happiest about your own celebration.

All four of these lists will be very important in the event that you, or someone you love, becomes incapacitated, and someone else takes over these roles of caring for you, your home, your financial assets, and ultimately, carrying out your wishes when you die. And the Gracious Exit workbook is all about making this process of getting organized as simple and personal as possible.

What is End of Life Planning?

When the subject of end of life planning comes up, most people immediately think estate planning: wills, trusts and other types of legal documents that detail how property (both financial and tangible) is distributed to heirs in the most tax efficient manner, best suited to each heir, based on their age or other criteria.

Others associate end of life planning with the medical decisions that are necessary to make on behalf of someone who is literally near the end of their life.  Does that person want extraordinary efforts to keep them alive? These directives are clarified in documents where one gives the power of attorney for health care to one or more persons. In that same document, they also make clear what they want in terms of prolonging life, relief from pain, and any other wishes they may have. Your estate planning attorney can also prepare your Advance Health Care Directive. For more information, go to http://www.nhdd.org/public-resources.

When I think of end of life planning, I am focused on how you want to be remembered, what kind of celebration you want, who you want to speak about the difference you made in so many other lives, your sense of humor, how you would never go out without your makeup on, how much you loved your grandchildren, your strength and courage, and so much more.

The third area of planning is rarely discussed, and there has not been much written about it. Likely because it is not a pleasant topic to bring up. Adult children find it hard to bring up this topic with their parents, for fear it sounds like they are not long on this earth. Aging parents don’t bring it up, because it is something they don’t want to think about. Yet it should be discussed, because you have made a difference in your life, and it should be celebrated and recognized at your death.

I learned this firsthand in my regular visits to see my Dad in his later years. As his named Executor, he would bring up the subject with me from time to time, telling me how he wanted the funds distributed, where to find his insurance policies, putting my name on his safe deposit box, etc.

After many visits, we really had exhausted the subject of dealing with the financial assets after his death. So gradually, he began to tell me what kind of service he wanted; that he wanted it on a Saturday morning, early, so no one would have to take time from work, and also not cut into their entire day. I knew his friends, but I asked him who he would want to speak at his service, and was surprised to hear the names of two men I did not know. One spoke about his incredible community service over 50+ years, and how valuable he had been in growing the assets of so many organizations, building endowments that would ensure their sustainability long after he was gone. The other individual spoke about what he had done for his church, both in building their endowment, but also his care of the elderly parishioners.

Once Dad told me who these men were, he told me about the organizations on whose boards he had served: the YMCA, The Visiting Nurses Association, and on and on, the kind of organizations that are essential in every community. On a subsequent visit, he sent me to the basement to look for something, and I found a trove of plaques that had been presented to Dad later in life for his lifetime service. There were eight of these, and I brought them upstairs and asked Dad if I could hang them in the hall. I could tell he was so pleased that he children would now know all he had done for others, and that just scratched the surface.

That is when it really hit me: everyone touches many lives in a positive way over their lifetime, where a kind word, or a thoughtful gesture brightens a day that has been difficult. More than that, we also improve the lives of people we work with, or mentor, our own children in raising them with important values. All of these encounters, whether just brief moments of interaction or long term associations, impact the lives of dozens, hundreds, even thousands of individuals, who in turn positively touch other lives. It is a powerful positive force.

And that deserves to be celebrated, to remind us all that, in the end, we recognize the truth of what Winston Churchill said: “We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.”